Goodbye to mom

I read this at mom's funeral, but it was a little incoherent since someone made changes and I didn't have time to review them. Anyways, here it is



I tried to think of something coherent or poetic to say, but nothing really came to mind. To be honest, I’m confused as to how I should feel. This is the first and last time I will experience this situation. But since I don’t really have any wise words to say, I’ll just tell you what I know: about the way I feel.

I’m struck by the rather odd position I’m in. my actual feelings are at odds with the way that I expected I would feel in this situation. I thought I would be drowned in sorrow, unable to stand or speak. I thought I would be in a terrible shock. But I’m not. That sense of sadness hasn’t come at all. Instead, I’ve been focusing on the positive: I’m happy that her death was such a comfortable one, without much pain or agony. I’m happy that we – her family and friends – were able to be with her for the whole duration. Many people don’t get that opportunity when they go. I’m happy that she accomplished what meant most to her: raising her sons well. I don’t see much to be sad about

The notion that it was more tragic because she was so young and healthy doesn’t really sit well with me. It’s based on the idea of life expectancy, the assumption that we will all live at least until the statistical average. In reality, it’s just a meaningless number. In reality, we could die at any time at any age from any number of causes. And people do. As a personal philosophy, I remind myself often that today could be my last.

Now, that idea might sound fairly pessimistic and dark, but thinking it through results in an extraordinarily positive outlook. With the wrong mindset, living to 120 years old could be a miserable experience. If moment after moment, our lives were filled with sadness or anger, life would hardly be worth living to any age. The idea that today could be my last reminds me that this life is finite, that there is certainly an end. It reminds me that I have to live each day happily and with meaning. The result is not to sit in a cloud of gloom, focusing only on the fact that I will die, but that I make an effort every day to improve the way I perceive things, and that I try to make a meaningful contribution to the lives of those around me. I might not ever be 100% happy, but making an effort is the only way that I know that could improve things.

Mom was not always optimistic and happy; she definitely had her share of unhappy times. But during her last few months, when things were the toughest, I saw her make an effort to express positive feelings and live life well. Little by little, things were improving. She was making the best of her time. That’s why today isn’t sad. That’s why, today, I’m happy.

(mom and dad in Koganei Park, April 2008)